Bye Bye, 2009! (Good Riddance)

It wasn't that bad. Could've been 2008!!

Just wrote and deleted two paragraphs that detailed my "love" life and career "milestones" over the past year, but thought better of sharing that stuff, haha. Don't want to incriminate myself! This Internet is a big cloud hanging over all of us, recording everything we do that will inevitably be embarrassing in some way someday. I've learned that lesson the hard way myself, and now they have Public Service Announcements warning young kids to "Think Before You Post". Very sage advise in this new age of overexposure.

The good news is I don't live in fear of myself or anyone else anymore. I have faith in a God who loves me, wonderful family and friends I'd die for, I have enough to eat, there's a roof over my head, and I'm free to express myself and pursuit my interests. Very blessed am I. Turning 30 wasn't crippling at all!

New Year's Resolution for 2010? I want it to be something concrete: get at least eight hours of sleep per night, work out every single day, pray at least five times a day for other people. Those are all good things. Starting over doesn't have to start tomorrow, though, it can be NOW, whenever that is.

Diamonds

Let me get this straight.

Tradition requires a man to bribe a woman with a diamond to get her to marry him and be his house slave and progeny vessel. His love is obviously measured by the size of the diamond he's willing to put on his credit card.

She wants a diamond to show off that she was finally bought by her "soulmate". She'll whine and nag until she gets this "symbol of love", which only shows that he's finally given up his freedom for the security of convention.

Call me cynical, but ain't nobody buying me with no rock.

11-24-2009

So I'll Just Smile? Be Blank-Hearted? Cool. Still want to write songs though. I feel like I'm at a crossroads with my writing. Beginning to think that pruning back much of my emotional self will end up yielding more quality fruit, far removed from the same old naval-gazing unrequited love garbage. Stuff about LIFE - people I saw on the train, the kindness of strangers, the big circling balance of it all. I just want to grow up and out of the same of stuff. Blank-Hearted seems like the end of a dark tunnel that was difficult to navigate but has a door at the end waiting for me to walk through with a new gait, with new eyes, to find myself under new skies.

What other emotions compel me to write besides yearning, rejection, disappointment, boys (a synonym to all aforementioned), etc. All negative subjects! No longer choosing to engage myself in a one-sided relationship, so I don't have to keep going around with a perpetual sense of being dismissed, positioning myself to always be in a state of rejection, feeling less than worthy, as if I were the broken one. What was the attraction to this method in the first place? Did I just like the drama of doing the same silly crush business over and over, never getting anywhere and not really wanting to? Did I use and abuse them just to make a muse of them?

Why wouldn't I write about God? God is love. He is everything I CAN have, always there, always the same, never disappointing, and I don't have to fear rejection. What isn't inspiring about that? What's holding me back from walking on the sunny side? I want to! I like it a lot better! I'm not the first artist to say that my best stuff comes from pain, but there's got to be another way.