Me: That's an awfully big carcass. (Daddy was cleaning a redfish)
Dad: Yessss, yes it is. (he threw it to the pelicans)
Me (watching it sink): They're too chicken to go get it.
Dad: Yessss (as he picks up the hose to rinse off the table). Look out, Love Affair.
Mom: I just saw (boy who broke my heart), gosh he got skinny!
Dad: Must be the crack.
Me: Daddy, I kinda have a big crush on (current flame that won't go out).
Dad: You're probably not by yourself on that, ya know.
Dad (on the top rung of the ladder last Thanksgiving, attempting to rescue the cat who'd been up in a neighborhood pine tree for two days): Kitty Sue, please come to Daddy! Kitty Sue I know you can do it!
Mom: Missy's dragging her butt on the carpet. I need to take her to the vet to have her anal gland expressed.
Dad: I refuse to believe that God would design an animal that couldn't take care of its own anal gland.
Dad (to Xena our Hemingway cat): How bout me and you and some love? Please don't push me away, I just wanna love ya. Haylee you see me and dis girl right here? Oh my word, her lil motor is runnin' about 5700 rpms, yes sir. Okay, dats it! Dat's all you're gettin'!
Dad: I need to give y'all a lesson on leavin' these doors open. You only have to have the width of a cat.
Sunday, 17 June 2007
Mom Quotes
Mom: Oh you're making a salad? Will you make me one?
Me: Ugh, fine. Get me down a bowl.
Mom: Taylor, will you get a bowl so she can make me a salad?
Me: Jeez Mom, don't you ever do anything for yourself?
Mom: Not if I can help it.
Mom: That is so disgusting! How can someone have sex with a total stranger?! The thought of sleeping with anyone but your father is just nauseating!
Me: Maybe they're just painfully lonely, Mom.
Mom: Ugh, but why do they have to have sex? Why can't they just drink coffee or something?
Mom: I wish I could remember the excitement of new love. The older you get, the longer you're married, the more it just becomes like, tolerance.
Me: He doesn't drink coffee! Didn't even have it in the house!
Mom: Are you serious? Ugh, and I thought he was cool...
Mom: You are NOT going to Atlanta. You have no business playing rugby.
Me (passed out on the bathroom floor from the flu): Michael Jordan scored 68 points in a play-off game once with the full-blown flu and a 103 fever.
Mom: Uh, but you're not Michael Jordan.
Me: How dare you say such a thing!
Later.....
Mom: You're burning up. I really think you ought to stay home and get well.
Me: Michael Jordan once scored...
Mom: Uh, you've already told me this.
Me: I'm freaking going.
Mom (first thing this morning, still in bed): Did you Daddy go fishing?
Me: No, he's downstairs passed out in front of a Western.
Mom: He is? Bless his heart, bless his heart.
Me: Along some desert highway blooms a flawless flower that is content to simply be, To go unnoticed with no concern.
Mom: How can a flower be content or discontent? That is such B.S.
Me: You a-hole! :)
Me: I heard you got drunk and danced to Baby Got Back at the Roadside Inn.
Mom: Who told you that? They're lying! I wasn't there!
Me: Where'd these come from? (referring to some irregular Mason jars in the cupboard)
Mom: I think they came with the house.
Me: Oh this house, where someone was MURDERED!? (yes, someone was actually gunned down on stairs of the porch downstairs)
Mom: (BLEEP), what's wrong with this thing!?! (frustrated because the remote control wasn't cooperating...apparently the whole murder thing doesn't phase her)
Me: Thanks for the Blizzard.
Mom: And what about lunch?
Me: Oh yeah, thanks for lunch, too.
Mom: Next one's on you.
Me: Oh yeah, let me dip into my savings account to buy you lunch.
Mom: That's the funniest thing I've ever said.
Me: What?
Mom: Next one's on you!
Mom (after reading this blog): I sound like Archie Bunker.
Me: Ugh, fine. Get me down a bowl.
Mom: Taylor, will you get a bowl so she can make me a salad?
Me: Jeez Mom, don't you ever do anything for yourself?
Mom: Not if I can help it.
Mom: That is so disgusting! How can someone have sex with a total stranger?! The thought of sleeping with anyone but your father is just nauseating!
Me: Maybe they're just painfully lonely, Mom.
Mom: Ugh, but why do they have to have sex? Why can't they just drink coffee or something?
Mom: I wish I could remember the excitement of new love. The older you get, the longer you're married, the more it just becomes like, tolerance.
Me: He doesn't drink coffee! Didn't even have it in the house!
Mom: Are you serious? Ugh, and I thought he was cool...
Mom: You are NOT going to Atlanta. You have no business playing rugby.
Me (passed out on the bathroom floor from the flu): Michael Jordan scored 68 points in a play-off game once with the full-blown flu and a 103 fever.
Mom: Uh, but you're not Michael Jordan.
Me: How dare you say such a thing!
Later.....
Mom: You're burning up. I really think you ought to stay home and get well.
Me: Michael Jordan once scored...
Mom: Uh, you've already told me this.
Me: I'm freaking going.
Mom (first thing this morning, still in bed): Did you Daddy go fishing?
Me: No, he's downstairs passed out in front of a Western.
Mom: He is? Bless his heart, bless his heart.
Me: Along some desert highway blooms a flawless flower that is content to simply be, To go unnoticed with no concern.
Mom: How can a flower be content or discontent? That is such B.S.
Me: You a-hole! :)
Me: I heard you got drunk and danced to Baby Got Back at the Roadside Inn.
Mom: Who told you that? They're lying! I wasn't there!
Me: Where'd these come from? (referring to some irregular Mason jars in the cupboard)
Mom: I think they came with the house.
Me: Oh this house, where someone was MURDERED!? (yes, someone was actually gunned down on stairs of the porch downstairs)
Mom: (BLEEP), what's wrong with this thing!?! (frustrated because the remote control wasn't cooperating...apparently the whole murder thing doesn't phase her)
Me: Thanks for the Blizzard.
Mom: And what about lunch?
Me: Oh yeah, thanks for lunch, too.
Mom: Next one's on you.
Me: Oh yeah, let me dip into my savings account to buy you lunch.
Mom: That's the funniest thing I've ever said.
Me: What?
Mom: Next one's on you!
Mom (after reading this blog): I sound like Archie Bunker.
Saturday, 16 June 2007
Dreams
4/16/04
I had a dream that I was at the cages picking out a bat and they were all as big, long and heavy as I prefer. Big bats help you cover more of the plate and feeling its weight over your shoulder gives you more confidence that you could Rob Hobbs the crap out of whatever comes your way.
5/27/04
Dreampt I was playing the trumpet in a big brass band (not well.)
08/08/04
Dreampt of a big harvest moon on the horizon.
06/07/06
An angel came to me in the night to let me know I'd never be anybody's wife.
"Just so you know, you're never going to get married."
The rain kept falling and I could hear a baby cry.
3/18/07
I had a dream that Marcia Lou and I were driving down a dirt road in search of a grapefruit tree. We came around a bend and this field opened up to us, all grassy green, with a farm house off to the left. This huge grapefruit tree dominated the landscape. I jumped out of the truck and proceeded to pick the biggest, ripest, prettiest grapefruits ever, so many I couldn't hold them all. The most vivid part of the dream I remember is the giant grin on my face.
This reminds me of one of the most famous passages from The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath:
"I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."
This makes me really grateful that I don't take thoughts like these to dark places. People who do that end up gassing themselves with the kitchen stove as their children play in the next room. Choices are good, but I think maybe in this country we have too many. I choose simplicity, humility, and to rejoice for whatever crumb the Rich Man tosses to the dogs. Luke 16:19-31.
I had a dream that I was at the cages picking out a bat and they were all as big, long and heavy as I prefer. Big bats help you cover more of the plate and feeling its weight over your shoulder gives you more confidence that you could Rob Hobbs the crap out of whatever comes your way.
5/27/04
Dreampt I was playing the trumpet in a big brass band (not well.)
08/08/04
Dreampt of a big harvest moon on the horizon.
06/07/06
An angel came to me in the night to let me know I'd never be anybody's wife.
"Just so you know, you're never going to get married."
The rain kept falling and I could hear a baby cry.
3/18/07
I had a dream that Marcia Lou and I were driving down a dirt road in search of a grapefruit tree. We came around a bend and this field opened up to us, all grassy green, with a farm house off to the left. This huge grapefruit tree dominated the landscape. I jumped out of the truck and proceeded to pick the biggest, ripest, prettiest grapefruits ever, so many I couldn't hold them all. The most vivid part of the dream I remember is the giant grin on my face.
This reminds me of one of the most famous passages from The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath:
"I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."
This makes me really grateful that I don't take thoughts like these to dark places. People who do that end up gassing themselves with the kitchen stove as their children play in the next room. Choices are good, but I think maybe in this country we have too many. I choose simplicity, humility, and to rejoice for whatever crumb the Rich Man tosses to the dogs. Luke 16:19-31.
For Love of the Nutty Woman
I wrote this for all my guy friends (namely Trae and Tom) who're perpetually attracted to insane women who make them miserable.
FOR LOVE OF THE NUTTY WOMAN
For love of the nutty woman,
I have laid down my weapons in battle
And let her crazy ass win.
Thought I was putting the horse before the saddle
For love of the nutty woman.
I looked away, forgave and forgot,
Probably sacrificed a lot
While she was trying to drive me away.
Went back for more and more was what I got
For love of the nutty woman.
FOR LOVE OF THE NUTTY WOMAN
For love of the nutty woman,
I have laid down my weapons in battle
And let her crazy ass win.
Thought I was putting the horse before the saddle
For love of the nutty woman.
I looked away, forgave and forgot,
Probably sacrificed a lot
While she was trying to drive me away.
Went back for more and more was what I got
For love of the nutty woman.
Maybe
Maybe my True Love, El Uno, my Soulmate isn't human at all, but an abstract combination of frequencies in time, consonant or dissonant, major and minor, treble and bass. See I've never been a one-man kind of woman. Music has, on occasion, touched me in ways and places a hand could never reach. It is more pure and loyal than any fallible human being would ever be. Music has been strong for me my whole life and I love it whole-heartedly. I know I'd never cheat, never stray, never try to run away. Me and Music Forever. He's never jealous or possessive, only proud to have me by his side.
Carson Cat Attempts to Commit Calculated Acts of Kindness
A stop on my roadtrip a couple weeks ago was a visit to Cousin Matt Elliott's in Buford, Georgia, which is just up from Atlanta. The family includes his amazing wife Lela (a super hero mom), kids Isaac, Seth, Annie, and cat Carson. Carson is the most affectionate cat I've ever met, and we all know cats are usually independent lil' cusses. So I asked Lela for the how-come, and she said Carson had been hit by a car about ten years ago and lived with her sister. When the family dog died, the Elliotts were obviously devastated. They needed a comforter in the house but weren't quite ready for a dog, so Carson came to live with them.
It all made perfect sense to me. I'm not sure if anyone else is aware of it, but our pets are solely concerned with loving and taking care of us. I slept on the futon downstairs one night, and woke up to find Carson curled up purring in the crook of my belly. What a big sweetie! So it hit me right then to write a story bout him/her (since the accident they can't tell what gender Carson is - since Carson is the name of a pretty girl in the movie "Shag", I will henceforth say "she"). The gist of it (pardon me while I end lots of sentences with prepositions):
One Sunday morning, Carson was bored to tears because his family was away at church and she had no one to take care of. After watching a cartoon about sharing on Sesame Street, Carson decided to go find someone to be nice to. Surely there was someone out there in need of some love!
So she headed down into the city of Atlanta, but everyone was either in church or still asleep! Carson was feeling discouraged - who could she be nice to? While strolling through a nice neighborhood, a beautiful black puppygirl came out barking. Carson was frightened! "What on Earth are you barking for?" she asked. The puppygirl replied, "oh I'm sorry, I'm just so worried about my best friend, my soulmate, the Love of my Life. He's gone to a basketball game and couldn't take me with him, he usually does! I'm just afraid he'll take his glasses off and not be able to find them again, he's somewhat blind you see." Carson graciously accepted her apology and they made introductions: Hannah Banana was her name. "Well, since you're all alone, why don't you come with me? I'm going to find someone to be nice to. Surely we'll be home in time for supper." So away they went, and headed down to Florida.
Their first stop in the Sunshine State was in a little coastal fishing village called Suwannee. As they walked along by the old canal, they spotted two sleek and confident young cat ladies. "Hello!" hollered Carson. "Hello yourself!" cried the black & white feline. Carson and Hannah Banana entered the yard and approached the two cats on the big covered porch. "This is Xena, and I'm Kitty Sue," said the black & white cat, indifferently. Daddy Sam, our benefactor, has gone fishing, so we're even more bored than usual. Not that he doesn't fish all the stinking time, but it's all right because he gives us sushi when he gets back." Hannah told her, "When will he return? Perhaps we can be nice to him!". "Fat chance," Xena said smartly, "he's a big ole grouch with a heart of gold. He may get stuck on a mudflat and not come in til tomorrow evening. We never know, we're just sick with worry everytime he leaves. But we like the sushi he brings when he finally returns." "Well come on with us! Surely we can do something nice for someone on our travels, and we'll be home by suppertime," suggested Carson, and away they went.
They pressed on to a little town called Oxford. A quiet country road led them to a mysterious driveway through some pines to a brick house surrounded by ancient oak trees. Suddenly they heard yapping from some little dogs who seemed more frightened than anything else. "Gracious, will you put a sock in it!?!?" said Kitty Sue, as she bopped the dominant one on the nose. "Ouch! What'd you do that for?" protested the rebel-rouser. Hannah said, "There's no sense in senseless barking!" Carson added, "Um yes, you're one to talk, lady," and they all laughed. "I am Evelyn, and this is Melissa Manchester, but everyone calls her Missy. Our lady Miss Lisa has gone to see her grandbabies across the pasture so we have no one to entertain! Gosh, we miss her!" "There, there", Carson comforted, "you can come along with us and we'll find someone to be nice to. We'll be sure to have you home in time for supper!" so they pressed on, rejoicing in the possibilities of good intentions.
Their travels across water and land led them to Bayou La Batre, Alabama. The first folks who greeted them were a gregarious pair of mutts named Dixie and Blue. "Well howdy! Where y'all from?", said Blue. "We're from all over," said Carson. "This is Hannah Banana, Kitty Sue, Xena, Evelyn, Missy, and my name is Carson Cat. We're looking to commit calculated acts of kindness for whomever we can find." "Well Lawd son, you sure come to the right place," cried Dixie. "We still need help. This town been hit by the Hurricane Katrina almost two years ago and it still ain't the same." Missy shuddered and replied, "what kind of help do you need? We excel in general loving kisses and hugs and lap-sitting." "Golly we need more than that," said Blue, "how bout we all get to the church and say a prayer about it?" "Well that sounds like a fine idea," said Hannah, "I sure need to pray that my Best Friend doesn't misplace his glasses!" So they headed down Henley Street toward the Bayou and arrived at the Church of Christ right in time for singing. They all lined up in the 2nd pew from the front and got to praising the Lord with "Amazing Grace". When the song was done and they sat down, Carson whispered loudly, "I reckon this is almost as good as getting out there and helping folks." "Now we pray." stated Dixie, "Tomorrow we work." So they all counted their blessings that they were on the giving and not the receiving end. This might've been the best thing they learned all day long.
THE END.
"
It all made perfect sense to me. I'm not sure if anyone else is aware of it, but our pets are solely concerned with loving and taking care of us. I slept on the futon downstairs one night, and woke up to find Carson curled up purring in the crook of my belly. What a big sweetie! So it hit me right then to write a story bout him/her (since the accident they can't tell what gender Carson is - since Carson is the name of a pretty girl in the movie "Shag", I will henceforth say "she"). The gist of it (pardon me while I end lots of sentences with prepositions):
One Sunday morning, Carson was bored to tears because his family was away at church and she had no one to take care of. After watching a cartoon about sharing on Sesame Street, Carson decided to go find someone to be nice to. Surely there was someone out there in need of some love!
So she headed down into the city of Atlanta, but everyone was either in church or still asleep! Carson was feeling discouraged - who could she be nice to? While strolling through a nice neighborhood, a beautiful black puppygirl came out barking. Carson was frightened! "What on Earth are you barking for?" she asked. The puppygirl replied, "oh I'm sorry, I'm just so worried about my best friend, my soulmate, the Love of my Life. He's gone to a basketball game and couldn't take me with him, he usually does! I'm just afraid he'll take his glasses off and not be able to find them again, he's somewhat blind you see." Carson graciously accepted her apology and they made introductions: Hannah Banana was her name. "Well, since you're all alone, why don't you come with me? I'm going to find someone to be nice to. Surely we'll be home in time for supper." So away they went, and headed down to Florida.
Their first stop in the Sunshine State was in a little coastal fishing village called Suwannee. As they walked along by the old canal, they spotted two sleek and confident young cat ladies. "Hello!" hollered Carson. "Hello yourself!" cried the black & white feline. Carson and Hannah Banana entered the yard and approached the two cats on the big covered porch. "This is Xena, and I'm Kitty Sue," said the black & white cat, indifferently. Daddy Sam, our benefactor, has gone fishing, so we're even more bored than usual. Not that he doesn't fish all the stinking time, but it's all right because he gives us sushi when he gets back." Hannah told her, "When will he return? Perhaps we can be nice to him!". "Fat chance," Xena said smartly, "he's a big ole grouch with a heart of gold. He may get stuck on a mudflat and not come in til tomorrow evening. We never know, we're just sick with worry everytime he leaves. But we like the sushi he brings when he finally returns." "Well come on with us! Surely we can do something nice for someone on our travels, and we'll be home by suppertime," suggested Carson, and away they went.
They pressed on to a little town called Oxford. A quiet country road led them to a mysterious driveway through some pines to a brick house surrounded by ancient oak trees. Suddenly they heard yapping from some little dogs who seemed more frightened than anything else. "Gracious, will you put a sock in it!?!?" said Kitty Sue, as she bopped the dominant one on the nose. "Ouch! What'd you do that for?" protested the rebel-rouser. Hannah said, "There's no sense in senseless barking!" Carson added, "Um yes, you're one to talk, lady," and they all laughed. "I am Evelyn, and this is Melissa Manchester, but everyone calls her Missy. Our lady Miss Lisa has gone to see her grandbabies across the pasture so we have no one to entertain! Gosh, we miss her!" "There, there", Carson comforted, "you can come along with us and we'll find someone to be nice to. We'll be sure to have you home in time for supper!" so they pressed on, rejoicing in the possibilities of good intentions.
Their travels across water and land led them to Bayou La Batre, Alabama. The first folks who greeted them were a gregarious pair of mutts named Dixie and Blue. "Well howdy! Where y'all from?", said Blue. "We're from all over," said Carson. "This is Hannah Banana, Kitty Sue, Xena, Evelyn, Missy, and my name is Carson Cat. We're looking to commit calculated acts of kindness for whomever we can find." "Well Lawd son, you sure come to the right place," cried Dixie. "We still need help. This town been hit by the Hurricane Katrina almost two years ago and it still ain't the same." Missy shuddered and replied, "what kind of help do you need? We excel in general loving kisses and hugs and lap-sitting." "Golly we need more than that," said Blue, "how bout we all get to the church and say a prayer about it?" "Well that sounds like a fine idea," said Hannah, "I sure need to pray that my Best Friend doesn't misplace his glasses!" So they headed down Henley Street toward the Bayou and arrived at the Church of Christ right in time for singing. They all lined up in the 2nd pew from the front and got to praising the Lord with "Amazing Grace". When the song was done and they sat down, Carson whispered loudly, "I reckon this is almost as good as getting out there and helping folks." "Now we pray." stated Dixie, "Tomorrow we work." So they all counted their blessings that they were on the giving and not the receiving end. This might've been the best thing they learned all day long.
THE END.
"
Thursday, 14 June 2007
Athens to Pembroke on Hwy 78, 4/24/07
I like to take a song
And hear every note,
Feel it rise and fall.
The drums become my heart,
Cymbals crash like waves,
Carrying me home
The way that Jesus saves.
To know every bend, lyric, melody, harmony, the bassist's two cents, every tear that comes from a logically-coming thought or memory. This self-doubt and loathing. The peace and serenity of a herd of cows silently grazing in a sunset pasture, sitting in shadow. Beholding a radiant and sun-lit, freshly-plowed field of Southern-American clay. Open the spigot and let it run wide open, a full inhale-of-air to take in the right-then-and-there moment to its fullest, eyes drink in blue sky like the purest water.
Seeing the world mostly from inside my car. Always leaving, always on the way, not quite yet arrived. Prepare to meet thy God. I build the strongest wall and say, oh, but there's a pretty nice garden back here. There's a million roads we all pass that lead to who knows where? Everyone is turning out so well, hope to join them soon. I still haven't met him. Rolling with the piedmont - how about making the best of it? Lines blur as light goes low. When that yellow moon appeared a'glow over the river, she reminded me that you never can tell when the resolution will arrive - so I still am riding off into the moonset, a lanturn just over the tree line.
*Appears in the liner notes for "He's Got My Heart"
And hear every note,
Feel it rise and fall.
The drums become my heart,
Cymbals crash like waves,
Carrying me home
The way that Jesus saves.
To know every bend, lyric, melody, harmony, the bassist's two cents, every tear that comes from a logically-coming thought or memory. This self-doubt and loathing. The peace and serenity of a herd of cows silently grazing in a sunset pasture, sitting in shadow. Beholding a radiant and sun-lit, freshly-plowed field of Southern-American clay. Open the spigot and let it run wide open, a full inhale-of-air to take in the right-then-and-there moment to its fullest, eyes drink in blue sky like the purest water.
Seeing the world mostly from inside my car. Always leaving, always on the way, not quite yet arrived. Prepare to meet thy God. I build the strongest wall and say, oh, but there's a pretty nice garden back here. There's a million roads we all pass that lead to who knows where? Everyone is turning out so well, hope to join them soon. I still haven't met him. Rolling with the piedmont - how about making the best of it? Lines blur as light goes low. When that yellow moon appeared a'glow over the river, she reminded me that you never can tell when the resolution will arrive - so I still am riding off into the moonset, a lanturn just over the tree line.
*Appears in the liner notes for "He's Got My Heart"
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
5/26/07
North Pier, Skyway Bridge, Tampa Bay
Blue sky, blue water, cloud shadows darken the bay. Friendly white puffs of shade. Lines out, baits ready. Silence between brothers - no words needed. Birds flutter and beg. Love bugs mate around my head and legs. Distant sandy shores, boats slowly streaking. Kind smiles from strangers. The sound of passing cars. Gleeful squeals of children - fish on! The bowing, bending, never breaking of a favorite rod. The breeze relieves the neck from the sun's unrelenting gaze. Will we ever pull one in? New buddy napping in the truck. The lady reels as her cigarette dangles. Convenient proximity to el ban~o. Another glance at the watch reveals another hour is gone. Peace on Earth, good will towards men.
Blue sky, blue water, cloud shadows darken the bay. Friendly white puffs of shade. Lines out, baits ready. Silence between brothers - no words needed. Birds flutter and beg. Love bugs mate around my head and legs. Distant sandy shores, boats slowly streaking. Kind smiles from strangers. The sound of passing cars. Gleeful squeals of children - fish on! The bowing, bending, never breaking of a favorite rod. The breeze relieves the neck from the sun's unrelenting gaze. Will we ever pull one in? New buddy napping in the truck. The lady reels as her cigarette dangles. Convenient proximity to el ban~o. Another glance at the watch reveals another hour is gone. Peace on Earth, good will towards men.
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