Femininity

It's something I'm putting emphasis on lately. WHY?

When it was still cold, a friend (Gage) called me out about my track pants and huge men's training sneakers (that "even (he) wouldn't wear") and ar-teest Unplugged In New York sweater and challenged me to do at least one feminine thing a day. Don't become "one of those!", he warned. And I knew he was right - I could've taken it personally in a negative way, but knew he had a good point. If it wasn't worth the effort, he wouldn't have suggested it.

AND WHY NOT?

It's strange, as a woman, to be asked to justify my choice of attire, because dressing nicely with mascara and hair down really is a huge departure from my usually indifference. There must be some agenda! No, I just want to look nice. Hopefully I've never been some poster child for women who refuse to be attractive because wearing make-up is selling out.

WHY NOT?

And you dudes out there who say they love women who wear their hair back in sweatpants and wife beaters, God bless you. See you when the weather bans skirts again.

a Tarheel's hatred I understand

The Daily Tar Heel

February 9, 2010

Ian Williams

1990 columnist

http://www.dailytarheel.com/content/why-i-hate-duke

(In Summary)

"Now I realize that school spirit is a pretty goofy thing to some people, but I'll tell you something: I hate Duke with an infernal passion undying. I hate every leaf of every tree on that sickening campus. I hate every fake cherub Gothic piece of crap that litters the buildings like hemorrhoidal testiments to imagined superiority. When I see those Dookie boneheads shoe-polishing their faces navy blue on television, squadering their parents' money with their fratty elitist bad sportsmanship antics and Saab stories, I want to puke all over Durham."

...now THAT'S hatred.

I for one have had experience with Duke students, and I can pretty much concur. Trying to perform my weekly gig at Pasta Bella in Durham about five years ago and four couples from Duke were out for some dinner before some function, and I couldn't help but overhear their talk about boarding schools and new cars. Ugh. I'm sure I've been influenced by all the friends I had at Carolina, but take it from me: I understand.

Baseball

I've written about how much I love baseball before. It's a new season, and the Red Sox look terrible. But April isn't even over!! They'll come around. The Braves (the team I grew up adoring but sort of abandoned when their pitching staff was traded away) have a new hot shot rookie, Jason Heyward, a 20-year-old who hit a dinger in his first AB in the Show. There's already been a no-hitter. Peter Gammons is gone from ESPN and works strictly for the MLB network now (which is super cool of him but I miss him, however John Kruk's presence on Baseball Tonight sort of evens it out).

My point is this: last year, I didn't watch enough baseball throughout the season. This year is going to be different. I love BASEBALL. I don't have a hardcore passionate allegiance to any one team, but there are those I follow and root for (the Sox, Braves, Cubs, Dodgers, the National League in general) and there are teams I have a strong dislike for (Cardinals and Yankees, however in the case of NY it's pure, unadulterated hatred). I'm somewhat ambivalent toward my "home" teams of Florida, the Marlins and Rays just don't do it for me, even though the Durham Bulls are the AAA affiliate of the Rays and I used to go to Bulls games all the time when I lived in NC.

This year, I will watch more baseball. It makes me happy. It's a beautiful and unique game in so many ways, and I'm not going to look back in October and again say, "you know, I didn't watch many ballgames during the season."

Regret is the biggest sin!

Believe In Me?

Listening to my new Breaking Benjamin station on Pandora. I don't know how to describe it but I like it - emo? post-modern grunge? Some stuff is too harsh but it's all deeply heart-scabbing and the masochist in me likes that.

But one song just now caught my attention with a few lyrics - Believe by Staind.

"Cry myself to sleep" ?? The only time I think I've ever really done this was when my dad wouldn't let me stay up late to watch Pee Wee's Big Adventure on television. Is it really possible to fall asleep crying, with your nose all running and sobbing for air and whatever anguish causing the tears tormenting you? Just sayin.

What what does it mean when you ask someone to believe in you? The last time I remember that discussion was from Pretty In Pink, and I didn't really understand it then either. Molly Ringwold was all, "If someone doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them." What the heck does that mean??? I believe in God, meaning I believe that He exists, that He's everything he says He is, etc, but I'm reluctant to parallel that to "believing" in another mere human.

There goes another one! A Shinedown song! "The only thing I still believe in is you." from "If You Only Knew".

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!!?!?!?!??!!??!??!?!?!!!????

Boy this Three Days Grace song is pretty intense ("I'll get lost if you want me to/somehow I've found a way to get lost in you").

Look, I'm not hopelessly lost for some mindless jerk who's unaware of my existence, but I do have a mild-to-medium crush (on a kid who likes Breaking Benjamin, haha, which is why I looked them up on Pandora, which is sort of lame but for this purpose I don't care). Do I believe in him? Uh, I believe he exists! I know he knows I exist! I believe that he is a good person. I believe that he makes me a better person because of the reasons I've chosen to contain my feelings for him by just writing songs and being polite. (The reasons could but won't be another blog entry).

There's another one! A Seether song, "The Gift" - "a reason to believe in me".

Even Paul Simon said in "Kathy's Song", "So you see I have come to doubt/all that I once held as true/I stand alone without beliefs/the only truth I know is you."

I guess if I wanted someone to "believe in me", I'd want them to trust me, root for me, have faith in me and my goals and know whole-heartedly that I will accomplish what I want for my life. I know that my coach believes in me, my parents and sisters do, and anyone who considers me a friend, but I'm having a hard time relating this to romance. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this because of my lack of experience.

Andrew McCarthy said, "I believed in you, you just didn't believe in me." Apparently this "belief" is a two-way street! I'm still puzzled.

Sweets

Happy Spring.

Called a wrong number today thinking it was my dad's (non-existent) cell phone and the guy said "it's alright, honey." This perfect stranger called me Honey, and it was nice. It made me think about all the pet names for women are derived from sugar:

Sweetheart

Honey

Sugarpie

Sweetie

Babycakes

Now, things made of sugar are nice at the time, but in the end are bad for you. The downfall of most any man is because of a woman - Adam, Solomon, Bill Clinton, etc., and the downfall of our society right now is excess carbohydrates!

Coincidence???

I think not.

apart

My heart breaks for his broken heart
Cause he doesn't see what I see
That he makes me a better me
So I've set him apart
And it tears me apart

I Can Let Go Now

by Michael McDonald. Sung by Alison Krauss from her So Long, So Wrong album. Have listened to it over and over for days. That, coupled with JM's In Your Atmosphere, got me to thinking about those feelings I'd had before. I tell you what, for a songwriter, memories of heartaches past can be the gifts that keep on giving. "I'll Never Fall That Far Again" was written yesterday thanks to playing that song over and over again, remembering that I'll never feel that deeply again, that it's over and done with, that I can be objective about it now.

Anyway, that's not even the point. I have something to say. It must be prefaced. This is a new and unique situation, and that's what's great about experiences to write from - don't want the same old form of rejection over and over. Gimme some different brands of loneliness! The loneliness of mutual admiration that goes unspoken. Haha, I wrote a song called "I'll Just Smile" about this one tragic kid (with a beautiful soul) I dig but have decided to absolutely not adjust the thermostat and never share my feelings although they're fairly obvious. But it seems to fit more for this other kid I really dig recently, but I want him to know. Whatever, the point is, I want to feel everything. I want to know what it's all like - and as of late, genuine, pure feelings have been dominating my emotional landscape. And that is good, because it is new and different. I just want to tell him how I feel, and preface it with "I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend, and I know you don't want to be anyone's boyfriend, but I am so stinking fond of you."

John Mayer show, Tampa, Fla. 2/5/2010

Heartbreak Warfare

(jam with Steve Jordan -->)

Crossroads

(pullin out the chops early!)

(he thanks everyone for being there "it blows my mind and fills my heart")

Bigger Than My Body (freakin AMAZING)

Belief (Emmy called it)

("who out here is single? who's happily single? don't owe anyone a text, or a phone call!")

Perfectly Lonely

Assassins ("this is about me") ("I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet, but your kids are gonna love it")

Steve Jordan solo (ROCCCCKKKKS!!!) -->

Waiting On the World To Change

(changes to a Gibson, scats! --> Charlie Wilson organ solo) -->>

Walking On the Moon (Police - I called it!)

Edge of Desire (!!!!)

(after this he takes a sign from a girl in the audience that says "I'm your Joshua Tree" and acknowledges that the Rolling Stone article that reference came from was "not a shining moment in my career", sings a verse from My Stupid Mouth a capella )

Half of My Heart (sounds GREAT live, oh my gosh)

-->Dreams (Fleetwood Mac) -->> Half of My Heart

(comments that this is one of the best performances he's heard the band ever play and is grateful to not be "bored any more")

All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye (just before he began the song, he had that look of regret, the song is still hard to play)

(talked about visiting his dad at the old folks' home he lives at and his observation old people are still people but that he wouldn't say what we want to hear, "that old people are our greatest natural resource", but each person is the "same soul moving through and your body changes - "I'm still that crazy little kid"

No Such Thing

reintroduced the band and thanked us profusely

solo --> Gravity -->Change Is Gonna Come (Sam Cooke) -->Gravity

Encore:

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