Sum Zero

The great thing about

zero expectations

Is zero

disappointments.

My Healer

Around 11:45 this morning, I looked up the local list of Al Anon meetings. I've been feeling some anger and resentment lately that I haven't been able to shake so I had a real urge to go. As God would have it, there was a meeting a mile away from my house that started at noon! So I jumped on my bike and headed down there. Of course, the topic was anger - and it was a great meeting with some great sharing from about 20 people who were dealing with the same stuff as me.

But the best part happened afterwards. The Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that is held at the same church let out just before us and everyone was either mingling or making their way off. I got on my bike and in my usual fashion sprinted toward home. Just as I got on the sidewalk I saw a man on a bike in front of me who'd just left the AA meeting, and he was going pretty slowly so I was planning the safest way to get around him. When I got up behind him though, I heard him singing something so I slowed down and followed him to listen. He was really belting out, with all his heart, "MY HEALER, MY HEALER, OH JESUS, OHHH, MY HEALER", a spiritual song I'd never heard. It was so beautiful, and this guy could really sing, but the conviction in his voice, the truth, the belief, the gratitude was what moved me most. I found myself crying, and followed him stealthy for several blocks, because I didn't want to disturb his moment with God. He'd just left an AA meeting, and was uplifted and couldn't help but praise Jesus Christ for delivering him the guilt and shame of sin and addiction. He is FREE because he's been HEALED by a loving and gracious Savior.

This man didn't know he was a living sermon today. Who knows how harrowing his story might be? We all have a story, we all have a cross to bear. Many broken spirits have been healed by Jesus Christ, and I praise my Father in heaven today that I'm one of them.

My healer, my healer, oh Jesus, oh, my healer.

Bye Bye, 2009! (Good Riddance)

It wasn't that bad. Could've been 2008!!

Just wrote and deleted two paragraphs that detailed my "love" life and career "milestones" over the past year, but thought better of sharing that stuff, haha. Don't want to incriminate myself! This Internet is a big cloud hanging over all of us, recording everything we do that will inevitably be embarrassing in some way someday. I've learned that lesson the hard way myself, and now they have Public Service Announcements warning young kids to "Think Before You Post". Very sage advise in this new age of overexposure.

The good news is I don't live in fear of myself or anyone else anymore. I have faith in a God who loves me, wonderful family and friends I'd die for, I have enough to eat, there's a roof over my head, and I'm free to express myself and pursuit my interests. Very blessed am I. Turning 30 wasn't crippling at all!

New Year's Resolution for 2010? I want it to be something concrete: get at least eight hours of sleep per night, work out every single day, pray at least five times a day for other people. Those are all good things. Starting over doesn't have to start tomorrow, though, it can be NOW, whenever that is.

Diamonds

Let me get this straight.

Tradition requires a man to bribe a woman with a diamond to get her to marry him and be his house slave and progeny vessel. His love is obviously measured by the size of the diamond he's willing to put on his credit card.

She wants a diamond to show off that she was finally bought by her "soulmate". She'll whine and nag until she gets this "symbol of love", which only shows that he's finally given up his freedom for the security of convention.

Call me cynical, but ain't nobody buying me with no rock.

11-24-2009

So I'll Just Smile? Be Blank-Hearted? Cool. Still want to write songs though. I feel like I'm at a crossroads with my writing. Beginning to think that pruning back much of my emotional self will end up yielding more quality fruit, far removed from the same old naval-gazing unrequited love garbage. Stuff about LIFE - people I saw on the train, the kindness of strangers, the big circling balance of it all. I just want to grow up and out of the same of stuff. Blank-Hearted seems like the end of a dark tunnel that was difficult to navigate but has a door at the end waiting for me to walk through with a new gait, with new eyes, to find myself under new skies.

What other emotions compel me to write besides yearning, rejection, disappointment, boys (a synonym to all aforementioned), etc. All negative subjects! No longer choosing to engage myself in a one-sided relationship, so I don't have to keep going around with a perpetual sense of being dismissed, positioning myself to always be in a state of rejection, feeling less than worthy, as if I were the broken one. What was the attraction to this method in the first place? Did I just like the drama of doing the same silly crush business over and over, never getting anywhere and not really wanting to? Did I use and abuse them just to make a muse of them?

Why wouldn't I write about God? God is love. He is everything I CAN have, always there, always the same, never disappointing, and I don't have to fear rejection. What isn't inspiring about that? What's holding me back from walking on the sunny side? I want to! I like it a lot better! I'm not the first artist to say that my best stuff comes from pain, but there's got to be another way.

"About Me"

Wrote this for my facebook profile but it seems too lame to actually have it on my profile, so why not here? I can be as lame as I want on my blog that no one reads!!!

This came to me because I'm 80% finished with my anthem, "Blank-Hearted". I'm trying to stick to my guns with the concept, but my doctor said it isn't realistic. Whatever. The song will be the song, but this is the truth:

My heart isn't blank, but it isn't broken either.
I've never seen true love, but I am a believer.
If that's the way I am, then that's the way I will be.
I surrender to the war that's been raging in me.
What I seek is unattainable and defeating;
My heart will be blank when it is no longer beating.
I will never be perfect, but will always be free.
I am wholly, and will forever only be, Me.

Didn't Make the Cut

It's easy to write songs about boys and relationships and heartache and all that jazz. There have been some good ones and bad ones and ones I really dug and ones who were eh. A couple of the ones I was eh about made it into a song, and a few of the ones I really pined away for never got a song. It's weird.

Lightnin' Salvage gig

Played at that adorable venue behind Satchel's this past Thursday. I love that place. It was easily the best gig I've done, ever. So much fun, so relaxed, had great friends and family there, obviously the food was amazing, etc.

The best thing was debuting new songs. Three in particular: But You Were But A Dream, I'll Just Smile, and Blank-Hearted.

I first wrote the lyrics for YWBAD (haha, cool acronym) on January 6, 2006 about no one in particular. The melody and the arrangement took a while and it was a challenge to craft it and get it just right because it's one of those songs I feel is beyond my capacity to write. So basically it's a gift. It's on piano and is so gut-wrenching with its forlorn heartache! I love it!

Blank-Hearted I was nervous about. The lyrics are posted here and it still isn't quite done, but I wasn't sure if anyone would understand, but a guy said he liked it! And hearing it over the PA and just how powerful it feels to sing something I feel strongly about is pretty neat. Even though my shrink says the concept isn't realistic, I think it's my new anthem. =)

I'll Just Smile is only two weeks old. It wrote itself on my way home from Raleigh on 10/25/09 about a friend of mine I've had a mild crush on for about a year now. It's purdy. :) Not a ballad, not really a love song, but writing it helped me better understand the way I relate to this kid and organize my thoughts about the (non)situation. No big deal - it isn't really finished either, but here's what I have so far:

The thought of you amuses me in a smile-inside-my-heart kind of way

And you may never be mine someday

But I'm just glad that you are being you

Out there, somewhere, today

This feeling I have inside of me will stay hidden away as time goes by

But I optimistically believe

That you may be just as sweet on me

But also just as shy

It just feels good to know you, I'm happy just saying hello

I'm not sure how to show you what I think you already know

So I'll just smile

It was a great time and a perfect opportunity to share my new stuff with a crowd and they seemed to go over pretty well! God gave me one of the best gifts in the world and it's such a privilege to share it with other people.