An Ode to the Psycho Hose Beast

I love Fiona Apple. And I don't mean to say that she's THE Psycho Hose Beast. But I've been listening to her on my pandora.com station chosen in her name, and it makes me appreciate that embarrassing trait that comes out in all of us carrying two X chromosomes in the most inconvenient of times. The Psycho Hose Beast in all of us (girls). "Please forgive me for my distance/Pain is evident in my existence/Please forgive me for my distance/Shame is manifest in my resistance To Your Love..." "Hunger hurts but I want him so bad/oh it kills/Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up/I got to fold cause these hands are too shaky to hold/Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love" "Fast as you can baby scratch me out free yourself fast as you can" "Now you have it tell me baby, what's the word?/Am I your gal or should I get out of town?/I just need to be reassured/Do you just deal it out or can you deal with all that I lay down?"

Okay MAYBE I know these songs a little too well. I actually played them and played them and played them and mysteriously both my Tidal and When the Pawn albums disappeared at the same time - I'm guessing God was taking matters in his own hand to get me to stop listening to them! She writes her songs beginning with the assumption that it's a known and accepted fact that she's crazy. More specifically, crazy when it comes to dealing with men. Most of us don't really possess that awareness (until after the deed is done and regret piles up), much less possess the ability to write about it with badass piano accompaniment and clever melodies!

But awareness is not enough! Even if you say, "I'm not gonna screw it up this time! I'm gonna be cool, like The Fonz!" you can't control yourself, really. It's like a crackhead acknowledging his addiction. It doesn't change the behavior. It's like Corey on Say Anything, who writes 68 songs about that douchebag Joe who took her virginity and then dumped her for some zero-personality blonde named Mimi. Oh yeah, and attempted suicide and then was interviewed about it on "Wake Up Seattle". She probably wasn't aware before it all went down that he'd screw her over or that she'd react so strongly (all the blood in her brain went to the emotional centers instead of the ones responsible for logic - love, ugh), but she was quite open after the fact about how she felt and this was probably perceived as Psycho Hose Beast behavior.

For some girls, this is a way of life. Drama addicts. I pity da po' fool who falls for this one. At least life is never boring for the dudes who can't stay away. For most of us though, this behavior is only (in my experience) going to happen when you're involved (or fixin to be) with an alpha male, with whom you really really don't want to screw it up with. Oh the irony! It's hilarious though. I look back on all the stupid things I've said and done to someone I really like and it's much more entertaining than TV.

But I stand by it. I prefer honesty. I used to be so good at playing the game, but I'm way more proud of the times I let myself be vulnerable (because that's significantly harder than screwing over guys for sport), even when it means I'm never viewed by that fellow through the same eyes. I tell myself I'm just too much woman for them. Ha. Ha. Ha.

I've made the blanket statement, "All beautiful women have a touch of crazy in them." This can be supported from a number of angles: 1) beautiful women are treated differently and get away with more crap - crazy crap - which wouldn't be tolerated by men if they weren't beautiful so the nutty behavior is reinforced over time, 2) It's beautiful to display raw emotion, because our hard wiring which allows that is a huge part of what separates us from men, and we are the "fairer sex", after all. 3) I've been told that I am beautiful (my mom has to tell me that) and I've observed this nuttiness in myself 2-3 times in my life. 4) Bob Dylan said (in "It's Not Dark Yet, But It's Getting There") that "behind every beautiful thing/there's been some kind of pain" - and we all know if he said it it's true.

It's not all bad though. Unpleasant, yes. Humiliating, yes. Destructive, irrational and scary, yes. But it's a small part of what makes a female a female. Santiago, in Hemingway's Old Man and the Sea, observes that people refer to the sea as a woman when they love her. When they view her as a enemy and rival, though, they refer to her as a man. Santiago "always thought of her as feminine and as something that gave or withheld great favors, and if she did wild or wicked things it was because she could not help them", being affected by the tides and all. Maybe it's odd that I'd quote a "chauvinist" author, but I love him too. He's probably the kind of man I'd be "nuts" about. "I'm crazy about him".

Baseball

It's April, so that means baseball season has begun! I had the greatest of Sunday afternoons yesterday, because it involved a nap on my couch with baseball going on the TV. Aaahhhhhhh. :)

Baseball is unlike any other sport because...

It's not a bench, it's a dugout
He's not the coach, he's the manager (or skipper)
It's not overtime, it's extra innings
It's not out-of-bounds, it's foul territory
He's not a referee, he's an umpire

Failure is an accepted part of the game - no other sport would consider 30% successful!
Every pitch holds the possibility that something could happen that no one has ever seen before.
Pitching well is way cooler than hitting well.
Greg Maddux is my favorite player - I'm soooo going to Cooperstown for his Hall of Fame induction ceremony. I miss his glasses.
BASEBALL IS NOT BORING! If you think so, you just don't get it.