I Have No Idea

I had somewhat of a Tyler Durden experience this summer: Suddenly I woke up and realized how much destruction I'd caused while I thought I was dreaming and rushed around at the end to make things right and still ended up watching the buildings crumble.

The technical term for it is "maniac."

I acted on impulse, motivated by strong emotions I no longer feel and it severely impacted a near stranger in a very negative way. And now I have an enemy.

Yay.

The bigger shame isn't me having an enemy, but how it affected this kid. He has evvvvvery right to say the hateful things he keeps saying about me, and I don't blame him for not being over it yet. I compleeeetely understand if he decides to hate me forever because the things I said and did to him are pretty much unforgivable to anybody but Jesus. He said some awwwwful things to me as well, but it's immaterial.

I thought I was in love and wrote a lot of inspired, heart-felt stuff about it (anything you see on this blog written in Hindu was about him), but that just goes to show how deceitful the heart is, because I honestly feel nothing but sympathy for him now. That may sound even worse, but it's so odd to see someone (all the freaking time) I barely spent much time with and know that my mere existence hurts him and pisses him off. He's like a ghost that I can't really look at or touch or speak to but the tension and anger is almost tangible. It's confusing too because my heart's memory of it is gone and I have to remind myself why I get such dirty looks from him. I am disturbed when I compare how convinced I was about how I felt for him and now, when it feels like it just switched off. It makes me think I shouldn't ever trust my own feelings again.

It was CRAZY. IIIIII was crazy (a "maniac"). There's a lot of things I could say that I "know" from what he told me about himself and from my own personal experience of getting screwed over similar to his (but not nearly as extreme), and maybe I'd be right about those things, but just analyzing the data yields this: someone I barely know hates my guts, and I gave him every right to do that.

I wish I could take it all back - not because I cared so much about him once, but because he's a human being. I tried to apologize and he wouldn't accept and I tried to call a truce for rugby's sake (the reason we still see each other all the time) and he wouldn't acknowledge that either, so technically my hands are clean. I forgive me and God forgives me, and this kid's resentment toward me is ultimately his choice. I can honestly say I'd rather we never met at all that have it be like it is now, but I have to remember that it is the way it is now for a reason. I thought I understood why back when I thought I loved him but it's all a foggy blur now. However I'm confident I'll come to understand what the situation means for my life and that he'll come to understand it for himself and have some peace about it as well. In 8 or 9 years...