11-24-2009

So I'll Just Smile? Be Blank-Hearted? Cool. Still want to write songs though. I feel like I'm at a crossroads with my writing. Beginning to think that pruning back much of my emotional self will end up yielding more quality fruit, far removed from the same old naval-gazing unrequited love garbage. Stuff about LIFE - people I saw on the train, the kindness of strangers, the big circling balance of it all. I just want to grow up and out of the same of stuff. Blank-Hearted seems like the end of a dark tunnel that was difficult to navigate but has a door at the end waiting for me to walk through with a new gait, with new eyes, to find myself under new skies.

What other emotions compel me to write besides yearning, rejection, disappointment, boys (a synonym to all aforementioned), etc. All negative subjects! No longer choosing to engage myself in a one-sided relationship, so I don't have to keep going around with a perpetual sense of being dismissed, positioning myself to always be in a state of rejection, feeling less than worthy, as if I were the broken one. What was the attraction to this method in the first place? Did I just like the drama of doing the same silly crush business over and over, never getting anywhere and not really wanting to? Did I use and abuse them just to make a muse of them?

Why wouldn't I write about God? God is love. He is everything I CAN have, always there, always the same, never disappointing, and I don't have to fear rejection. What isn't inspiring about that? What's holding me back from walking on the sunny side? I want to! I like it a lot better! I'm not the first artist to say that my best stuff comes from pain, but there's got to be another way.