Mom Quotes

Mom: Oh you're making a salad? Will you make me one?
Me: Ugh, fine. Get me down a bowl.
Mom: Taylor, will you get a bowl so she can make me a salad?
Me: Jeez Mom, don't you ever do anything for yourself?
Mom: Not if I can help it.

Mom: That is so disgusting! How can someone have sex with a total stranger?! The thought of sleeping with anyone but your father is just nauseating!
Me: Maybe they're just painfully lonely, Mom.
Mom: Ugh, but why do they have to have sex? Why can't they just drink coffee or something?

Mom: I wish I could remember the excitement of new love. The older you get, the longer you're married, the more it just becomes like, tolerance.

Me: He doesn't drink coffee! Didn't even have it in the house!
Mom: Are you serious? Ugh, and I thought he was cool...

Mom: You are NOT going to Atlanta. You have no business playing rugby.
Me (passed out on the bathroom floor from the flu): Michael Jordan scored 68 points in a play-off game once with the full-blown flu and a 103 fever.
Mom: Uh, but you're not Michael Jordan.
Me: How dare you say such a thing!
Later.....
Mom: You're burning up. I really think you ought to stay home and get well.
Me: Michael Jordan once scored...
Mom: Uh, you've already told me this.
Me: I'm freaking going.

Mom (first thing this morning, still in bed): Did you Daddy go fishing?
Me: No, he's downstairs passed out in front of a Western.
Mom: He is? Bless his heart, bless his heart.

Me: Along some desert highway blooms a flawless flower that is content to simply be, To go unnoticed with no concern.
Mom: How can a flower be content or discontent? That is such B.S.
Me: You a-hole! :)

Me: I heard you got drunk and danced to Baby Got Back at the Roadside Inn.
Mom: Who told you that? They're lying! I wasn't there!

Me: Where'd these come from? (referring to some irregular Mason jars in the cupboard)
Mom: I think they came with the house.
Me: Oh this house, where someone was MURDERED!? (yes, someone was actually gunned down on stairs of the porch downstairs)
Mom: (BLEEP), what's wrong with this thing!?! (frustrated because the remote control wasn't cooperating...apparently the whole murder thing doesn't phase her)

Me: Thanks for the Blizzard.
Mom: And what about lunch?
Me: Oh yeah, thanks for lunch, too.
Mom: Next one's on you.
Me: Oh yeah, let me dip into my savings account to buy you lunch.
Mom: That's the funniest thing I've ever said.
Me: What?
Mom: Next one's on you!

Mom (after reading this blog): I sound like Archie Bunker.